If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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