sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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