Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize