Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
