Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
