Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
