Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
The air taste purple.
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