the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
