Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
