I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
