She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
