he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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