Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
