Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
fuck your aforementioned shoe
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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