so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
