i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
