I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Threesome in a minivan. New low
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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