oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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