he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
