Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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