There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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