I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
