I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
