I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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