My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
My feet surprised me
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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