you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
