I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
