She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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