Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
