You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
