just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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