Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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