He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
