I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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