I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
