I'm so fucking centered right now
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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