apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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