My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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