You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
