Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
