I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
