Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
