i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He keeps bees of course he's weird
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Randomize
