i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
