why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
