Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
