I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize