So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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