U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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