3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
