I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
