I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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