listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
