I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
