I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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