Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
No I am not eating basil off your cock
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
