you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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