You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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