I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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