I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I still have a little drunk in my system
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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