On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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