i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
